I’m about to get my period and I’ve never been so excited to start my cycle. I usually dread it, but I can’t wait for it to come now.
It occurs to me, baby, that you don’t want to hear this. I realize that you probably have no desire to know the details of your conception, or your mother’s cycle, or anything else about this whole thing. I get it. I really do. And you can choose not to read any of this. I won’t be offended. It’s a weird thing, to be writing this to a child that is not here yet. But it’s a way to keep me hopeful and, to a large degree, this journal is more for me than for you.
But also, baby, there may come a time when you are struggling with having children of your own. And there will be a time when I am no longer here for you to ask questions to. I hate that I have so many questions about myself, my family, my life that had not occurred to me to ask when my parents were alive. And now that they are gone and I have questions, I have no one to ask. So if that is the case for you (because I have no pretense of immortality), this might help answer some questions. Or, perhaps, give you a deeper understanding of me and who I am as a person. To you, I’ll just be mom. And it will likely be decades before you realize that I am a woman first, and a woman who wanted desperately to meet you and raise you with your father. A woman who would do anything to make that happen.
But back to this whole messy process. My cycle is starting, and that means the real fun can begin. I’ll start birth control on CD2, and call my doctor. I’m most anxious to learn the timeline of how everything will go down, and to learn my protocol (what meds I’ll take and when).
I’ve been dreaming a lot about babies and pregnancy. I think about it even when I’m sleeping. And your father, in his quiet way, is super excited. I tend to go overboard when I’m anxious or excited about something- I read everything I can get my hands on and become immersed in it. Usually, your dad will put my feet back on the ground and remind me of reality. And he is doing that in this case, too, though very gently. He knows I’m online looking at baby stuff and reading about IVF and even being part of an online community for women who are parents or trying to conceive. But he’s going with it and doesn’t get annoyed when I talk about it. In his way, baby, that means he is excited, too. I can’t explain what happens when we talk about you. It’s weird. I cannot wait to see him in action with you. He’s going to be the fun parent, I know it. I’m too tightly wound to be the fun parent. And everything I do is rule-based. He is going to teach me a lot about parenting, I bet. I think we’ll learn from and about each other. You are going to be life changing. You already are.